my blood is turning into this

Has it really been only 6 days since Christmas? (I got this blender for Christmas.) My body composition is now mainly spinach and avocados, and yes, I feel slightly superior for this.

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According to the infomercial, drinks made with this thing are called “nutriblasts.” So I always say “BLASTOFF” at this step. Always. It fits, and it makes me feel good.

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Anyone notice that I’m rocking Batgirl pajama tops and Wonder Woman pajama bottoms? I couldn’t choose. Wonder Woman shits all over her, yes, but the Batgirl pajamas have little bats all over them.

True story: my attic at my parents’ was infested with bats. I sometimes went up there to do sneaky things that I won’t mention, because HI, MOM. I never thought to tell anyone about the bat “problem.” They were chill. There was an albino one. I swear I’m not making this up. There were dozens, hanging upside down, sleepin’ the day away, just like me. I relate to the albino one. We don’t fit in, but we’re cooler. Also, I am blindingly white.

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Bipolarity and Food: Help!

Being home for the holidays, my parents notice how much I eat. When I was on meds like Seroquel, I ate a lot. Currently, I hardly do. Comments in either direction tend to hurt my feelings for whatever reason.

I try to be healthy and eat even when I’m not hungry (if I only ate when I was hungry, there would be one ten-minute window of me stuffing my face with crab rangoon per day). I have gone from vegan to gluten free vegan to pescatarian all in efforts to maximize my health from what seems like minimal food on my part. I’ve learned that if I crave something, I need to go out and buy it. Usually my cravings are extremely healthy (90% of cravings are sushi or produce). The rest are calorie-dense and decadent (ice cream, gelato, cheese, egg drop soup).

Although I would rather not have eggs and dairy and fish in my diet, it is just too hard to maintain my weight without them. When I can only eat one thing per day at my worst, that thing better be as calorie- and nutrient-dense as possible. My miracles are sushi (very healthy, pat on the back) and crab rangoon from Chinese takeout places (*licks fingers* I’ve been a bad vegan).

I have good appetite weeks. I’ll go to the store and buy lots of produce to roast, eat raw, or blend into a smoothie. Then my meds change, and I am nauseous all of the time. Or I become hypomanic, and food is about as interesting to me as a user manual on a sleeper sofa. All I devour in hypomania: my literature, my lover, my data plan. In depression, I would rather sleep. And the $50-$70 of fresh groceries will rot. And my lover will say “Can I bring you Chipotle? Do you want some crab rangoon?”

I haven’t figured out if he does it for love of me or for love of tits and ass.

Just kidding, babe. 🙂

But it is a struggle. Especially when my mood stabilizer makes my appetite go away completely and my antipsychotic must be taken with a hearty meal 2x per day or it all comes back up.

I have quit seeing food as transference of vitality and now view it as a chore. How to fix this?