Sorry I have not been commenting as much, my life has become a lot busier! In a good way (see yesterday’s post). I hope to catch up on reading when I am through with my training. I love the blogosphere and don’t want to leave!

I am LOVING my job at the veterinary hospital. It brings me such joy to care for peoples’ sources of joy. I take good care of them if they are sick, old, need a bath, need physical therapy, need a place to board, or just a checkup. If the dog or cat is nervous, chances are the owner is nervous about being away from his/her baby for the afternoon, as well! And it is such a nice thing to see the owner smile with relief when you bring a happy dog or cat up to the lobby. And when one of our animals gets adopted, that is also a wonderful feeling. Animals are happy in the hospital, because we take really good care of them and give them lots of individual attention, but there is nothing like a home. A tuxedo cat named Earl went home today. He squirms when he gets his one eye drop at mealtimes but other than that, he is very happy-go-lucky and in your face looking for love! I have fallen in love with a chihuahua named Fritz who doesn’t yip, he just dances in circles when he’s excited (which is often). He loves his walks and his toys and his teeny belly rubs. I never thought I’d like a small dog too much, but he won me over on the first day! Of course I called my parents to see if they would take him in, haha. But they have their hands full at the moment.

I am getting used to waking up at 5am pretty well. I leave my house by 6:30. My skin is freaking out a little bit at this lifestyle change, but it’ll get over it. I see my derm soon, anyway. My dog isn’t quite used to his new schedule, but he’s only 1 year old and will adjust soon enough. He’s used to me sleeping in. My cats love that I am awake with them at dark:thirty. They are eager to help me (or derail me) as I get ready in the bathroom each morning. No one complains about an earlier breakfast except for me. :p

I have been having a very hard time eating. I learned why. I have extremely bad acid reflux, and that is why it hurts to eat. It feels like someone is stabbing me under the center of my sternum, and the pain takes my breath away. I’m not too much of a complainer, so I didn’t look up this symptom for a long time. I also experience horrible headaches due to grinding my teeth because of my psych meds. For the headaches, I have been taking 33% more of an NSAID than I should’ve been taking every day for about 3 months. This led to my esophagus getting holes worn in it from stomach acid (acid reflux) (stabbing feeling).

So now I’m on ANOTHER medication. It is slowly helping. I need to see a dentist about grinding my teeth, a chronic pain doctor for my headaches and physical therapy for grinding my teeth, and hopefully not a specialist about the acid reflux, unless the OTC meds and herbal supplements don’t help by the end of the week. Good thing I’m insured (thanks mom and dad).

If I weren’t so happy about my job, I’d be pretty down about the stomach stuff and my favorite headache medicine (naproxen) being taken away from me. But I am so happy that I just do my job, and it distracts me. I realize I am a little hypomanic and that is helping most things. I’m trying to take it easy and slow down so I don’t fall too hard later on.

I hope all of you are well!

Catch up soon,



brrrrr makeup and I’m really crazy


Well I got all dolled up to pay rent and see if I could find any deals anywhere. Wearing acid-wash jeggings (when I thought I fit into my skinniest jeans, I find I fit into skinnier jeggings. life), white t, black pleather jacket, matching combat-esque boots, and a faux fur hat. Because it’s fxcking cold today– below freezing. Never eating doesn’t help.

Boyfriend tried to make me eat a handful of cereal last night. I negotiated the number of blueberries I would eat from 5 to 10, and no cereal.

Because I really have my shit together, guys.

I’m supposed to take one of my meds with 400 calories 2x per day. Or it doesn’t absorb correctly. Jesus.

Do you (for my bipolar readers) ever feel more bipolar than other times? I had a serious moody moment last night. I came home from a rehearsal that went well, and as soon as I put my stuff down, I became an inconsolable rain cloud. And quite mean. Sorry, lover. An hour later, I was hyper and having a mini-tantrum over blueberries and the evils of Dr. Pepper* (get that shit away from me).

*I have a very legitimate reason for hating Dr. Pepper but I will never discuss it, just trust me and don’t fucking buy it.

Like, I am fucking insane and I don’t know if my sex is the bomb or something but my lover just won’t leave me no matter how weird I get. Thanks for not leaving me.

makeup deets-

face- Maybelline fluid whatever foundation in the palest they offer, nars laguna, milani luminoso, becca champagne gold

eyes- tarte palette that I don’t know the name of but it’s limited edition and neutral-brown-with-gold, maybelline full and soft

brows- anastasia dipbrow in dark brown

lips- Revlon lip liner in rose, Rimmel showoff liquid lipstick thing in luna

I gotta say, my cats and dog were way too shocked when I got my tired ass off the sofa today.

I might even go to a rehearsal tonight for a group I haven’t decided to join yet. Feeling ambitious.

I’m loving this Rimmel peachy-nude liquid lipstick. It matches my blush super well. Also, I forgot what wearing foundation looked like. See ya, hyperpigmentation.

Stay warm.

Oh, I’m also trying to volunteer with NAMI. Hopefully the mysterious ~they~ respond to my email.

blah blah blahhhh

not eating — not absorbing meds — probably leading to my totally irrational way of life right now

but I am scared to eat

please excuse my derailed makeup and mental (poor) health post

at least my face looks decent I think unless I am totally delusional in that aspect of my life as well

Bipolarity and Food: Help!

Being home for the holidays, my parents notice how much I eat. When I was on meds like Seroquel, I ate a lot. Currently, I hardly do. Comments in either direction tend to hurt my feelings for whatever reason.

I try to be healthy and eat even when I’m not hungry (if I only ate when I was hungry, there would be one ten-minute window of me stuffing my face with crab rangoon per day). I have gone from vegan to gluten free vegan to pescatarian all in efforts to maximize my health from what seems like minimal food on my part. I’ve learned that if I crave something, I need to go out and buy it. Usually my cravings are extremely healthy (90% of cravings are sushi or produce). The rest are calorie-dense and decadent (ice cream, gelato, cheese, egg drop soup).

Although I would rather not have eggs and dairy and fish in my diet, it is just too hard to maintain my weight without them. When I can only eat one thing per day at my worst, that thing better be as calorie- and nutrient-dense as possible. My miracles are sushi (very healthy, pat on the back) and crab rangoon from Chinese takeout places (*licks fingers* I’ve been a bad vegan).

I have good appetite weeks. I’ll go to the store and buy lots of produce to roast, eat raw, or blend into a smoothie. Then my meds change, and I am nauseous all of the time. Or I become hypomanic, and food is about as interesting to me as a user manual on a sleeper sofa. All I devour in hypomania: my literature, my lover, my data plan. In depression, I would rather sleep. And the $50-$70 of fresh groceries will rot. And my lover will say “Can I bring you Chipotle? Do you want some crab rangoon?”

I haven’t figured out if he does it for love of me or for love of tits and ass.

Just kidding, babe. 🙂

But it is a struggle. Especially when my mood stabilizer makes my appetite go away completely and my antipsychotic must be taken with a hearty meal 2x per day or it all comes back up.

I have quit seeing food as transference of vitality and now view it as a chore. How to fix this?