overdue hello

In the past month (I guess that’s how long it has been) I have

-Gotten in a car accident (ruled to be not my fault) which resulted in brain trauma. I am still working through recovery from that, and it usually takes about 3 months.

-Been regularly attending Alcoholics Anonymous and another 12 Step group which I do not wish to disclose on this blog. I realized I was a dry drunk/addict, meaning I had quit drinking and other harmful behaviors, but had not truly worked on them. While I found positivity in not drinking, there was always a “Why do I feel this emptiness all of the time?” “Why can’t I be like everyone else and have just one?” And AA and the other program have helped me to see that I am not at all unique. I have addiction problems and there IS an answer (however controversial). 12 Step programs (AA and the other). 

-Been moving apartments to live with my lover.

So I’m doing a lot. I work on the farm (still love it, lots of stories), I play trombone professionally, I’m moving, and I just started true recovery for addiction. All the while, still bipolar…

This blog and all of my connections here certainly slipped. I wish I kept up with it all of this time. Dealing with the frustrations of a slow healing brain trauma, struggling to look myself in the eye as an ADDICT, no matter how clean, and the stress of working my ass off certainly could have used an outlet.

It sounds like my life has been all bad lately. Look at it this way:

-I have a job I love and my boss is great.

-I have rooms full or supportive people just like myself (but so different) available most hours of the day and night.

-I have found this new recovery, this active approach to healing and letting “the great whatever” in to help.

-I am moving to a bigger, better location which my pets will like more and the traffic there isn’t half as bad as it is at my current place. And I’ll be with my lover 🙂

The brain trauma sucks no matter how you look at it… I stopped for a police car with siren/lights on running a red light (my green light) and a monster truck rear ended me in my Toyota Camry. And my seat belt didn’t lock so my head bounced here, there, and yonder. And now I have moments of tantrums and outbursts on top of a mental illness and the whole thing is just sour grapes.

Anyway I wanted to update. I will make time for blogging because 1) connecting is good for me 2) writing is good for me. (And I love it.)

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when the stigma works for you

The marines want me to play trombone for them, which is quite flattering.

But I don’t want to do Paris Island boot camp and training and not really having a home anymore and leaving my lover and my three babies Buddy, Bushka, and Bear.

So I work the stigma to stop the recruitment officer.

“I’m bipolar, and the USMC is poisoned by stigma.”

done and done, one line zinger that instantly makes me undesirable!

I’m so sassy and bipolar and really quite stable these days.

But if you feel the stigma and you don’t want to be in that organization, FLAUNT YOUR ILLNESS.

bend and snap, ladies.

bend

and

snap

lol what

I can’t fathom what has happened to my life.

In elementary school, I said I wanted to be a cowgirl when I grew up. I was obsessed with horses.

Now I’m 22.

And…



I am pretty sure that I’m a cowgirl……

with (most of) a degree in classical music and English literature.

So that makes me a pretentious cowgirl.

I feel like either my psychiatrist or blahpolar is my fairy godmother and no one told me.

Whatever, I’m totes cool with how my life is turning out.

I’m enjoying every second of it! I feel like life has finally lined up and that I am living with purpose, as cheeseball corny as that sounds. Nothing like farm work, fresh air, and interacting with big softies all day.

(well, I’ve been bit already, and I caught three escaped horses with my bare hands, so they aren’t all softies) (but I can call myself a “wrangler” now so that is even more badass lolol)

Anyway I am loving life. All of it. Especially my new cowboy hat because seriously why didn’t I have that on day 1.

new job, bubble bath post

posting from the bathtub after a long day of farm work. why did I ever start drinking when bathing is so much better? current bath cocktail: Lush rose jam bubbleroon. smells like roses, turns the bath water pink, and makes so many bubbles 🙂

My new job is great. I take care of 18 horses. I feed them, take them to their stalls and their pastures, give them medications, brush them, water them, and make sure they are healthy and happy. The woman who trained me gave me notecards with who gets fed what and how much, etc, which was so nice and helpful of her. She just got a new bathtub, so I’m going to gift her a few of my Lush bath favorites. 🙂 And my boss and I really hit it off. She gave me a dozen eggs from her chickens. You can’t get much more free range + local than that.

I love being out and away from the city. The country air, water, earth, and smells are good for my soul. I feel so much more in touch with my spiritual side when I spend a lot of time outside. And now I’m getting paid to! This job is everything I did for fun as a girl. ~living the dream~

Did I mention it pays 2x as much as the other job where I got fired over a medically necessary surgery lolllll

~as for my makeup~

I am off to Ulta tomorrow to buy the IT Cosmetics CC Cream with SPF 50. That’s all I’ll wear for work, obviously. I come home splattered in mud and with hay all over my clothes. But it will make my two days off per week, when I will wear fun makeup, that much more fun. 🙂

I have Monday and Tuesday off so I swear to the great whatever that I will catch up.

Love,

Martha

🙂

baseball, sobriety, and red lights

I watched my first baseball game of the season (spring training) today. I watched it sober, for the first time in my adult life. I noticed that something was weird during the game, but I didn’t know what was different. As soon as the game ended (10-6, Red Sox-Yankees), I immediately knew. I wasn’t trashed.

I always got trashed when the Red Sox won. I always got trashed when they lost. I was with them no matter what.

I started to freak out a little, and then I started to freak out A LOT.

I had to go to CVS to pick up some prescriptions. I cried in the drive through twice. I decided to take the quieter route back to my house. I wanted to attend an AA meeting, but I had a rehearsal from 7:30-9:30. It was 6:30.

My panic attack over losing my sobriety over baseball really kicked my ass on the way home. I was no longer crying, but I was not really paying attention to driving anymore. It did not cross my mind to pull over.

All of a sudden, everyone in my rear view mirror was stopped.

I ran a red light during rush hour.

I didn’t die.

I called my lover, he said it was okay. I said I want to go to a meeting but I have to go to rehearsal.

I went to rehearsal.

I called the police and told the policewoman what I did. She said it was okay. I am such a fucking self-narc. But she said I wouldn’t get a ticket.

And now I realize that “the great whatever” was looking out for me today. “The great whatever” wants me to go to AA meetings and connect with alcoholics like myself and make my sobriety feel like a solid foundation.

I have not been going to AA meetings.

Dis bitch is going to an AA meeting first thing in the morning.

Thank you, “the great whatever.”

Also, thank you baseball season for always giving me something to look forward to. I will be the best sober Red Sox fan of all time. That is a challenge.

And I really, really hope one of these job opportunities pulls through. I’ve been going at it 25/8 on the applications. Ya girl needs a call back.

Love always,

Martha