it’s 1am and I don’t feel so bipolar anymore

My meds are stable. There are a lot of them.

morning: 75mg effexor, 20mg latuda, 25mg topamax, 100mg doxycycline

night: 37.5mg effexor, 40mg latuda, 25mg topamax, 50mg trazodone, melatonin, probiotic

I feel level. I can get out of bed in the morning. I can go to sleep before 4am. I can eat (most of the time). I can get things done without being hypomanic. I can leave my house. I can choose to stay in my house without being depressed, not because I am depressed. I get sad at sad things and happy at happy things. I feel the full spectrum of emotions. I get excited. I get horny. I get mad. I get exhilarated.

My doctor asks me to identify triggers for mania/hypomania. I feel scared to go back there. I don’t want to identify triggers. So I ramble in my therapy sessions. I try to think of triggers but my brain halts and reads the red sign: “do you really want to do this again?” So I keep sailing on my calm seas.

I suppose this is called being in remission. I am very afraid of whenever remission will collide into an episode. This is why doctor says “Think of triggers.” So that when it happens, I am less devastated. Less overwhelmed.

But I don’t want this not-quite-bliss to end. I feel normal. Other than the handfuls of pills at 22 years old, I feel normal. “Normal.”

I’m not so delirious to think that I don’t need my meds, my green juice, my sobriety, and my yoga. They all are key to my health and sanity. And my rock, my significant other, who is there for me whether I am curled into the smallest, saddest ball I can be or the craziest, most manic girlfriend you can imagine. And of course my fuzzy pets. And my family. And my library.

But I will try to identify at least a few triggers.

This is hard.

mania–
lack of sleep
lack of food
overflow of creative ideas/inspiration
shopping
significant blows to my self-esteem

small mania cures that I am capable of–
yoga/breathing exercises
paint nails
take bath
walk Buddy
cooking
writing

depression–
too much sleep
letting the house get messy
never leaving the house
alcohol/tobacco cravings
dwelling on past horrors that have happened to me

small depression cures I am capable of–
tidy up the house a bit (manageable tasks)
leave the house (something small like going for a walk or going to bookstore)
doing my makeup
taking a shower (this is very hard when I get depressed)
remind myself how awesome I am for not drinking and not smoking
talk to my lover or another friend
yoga that is energizing

What are some of your triggers? I feel I have only skimmed the surface of mine, but it’s a start. For now, I will be thankful for the level feeling I have been maintaining for the past week.

Here are a few photos from the past few days, totally unrelated.

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10 comments

  1. ShopGirlXOX · January 13, 2015

    I applaud you for writing about this and sharing. I’m still rather new to my diagnosis and almost to acceptance. Reading your post I noticed we have similar triggers. One of my biggest is insensitivity regardless if it’s towards me or not. Being around someone like that gets me irritatable and then there’s no going back. Anywho! I loved the post. Thank you for sharing your experience with bipolar, I hope to get there soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • MarthasMakeup · January 13, 2015

      Writing about it has helped me a lot. I’m glad to see another bipolar beauty blogger πŸ™‚

      When I get irritable, I stay irritable… my poor boyfriend, ha. My best way to stay calm through that is deep breathing and focusing on body awareness rather than outside triggers (like someone tapping their fingernails, UGH).

      Accepting the diagnosis is hard. It was for me, anyway. Reading bipolar memoirs helped a lot and made me feel like I was part of a community, not part of some doomed statistic. And writing about it here along with my makeup stuff makes me feel unapologetic and okay about being who I am. Thanks for the comment, and I hope you share your experiences when your time is right. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. innerdragon · January 13, 2015

    I enjoyed your photos! And feeling level is such an AWESOME feeling!! I’m feeling stable tonight myself and even though it’s only been one day of it, I’m basically wallowing and rolling around and throwing it up in the air and letting is shower down upon me. lol I hope yours sticks around.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Bemused · January 13, 2015

    LOVE!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. kbailey374 · January 13, 2015

    Yay for stable! and love you pix!

    Like

  5. Marzyylovee · January 14, 2015

    I admire your courage & positivity, you are truly an amazing woman & I really enjoy reading your posts! I grew up with a bipolar parent & I can understand the struggles.There is the good & there is the bad. A lot of people don’t like to even say the word bi-polar because of the stigma behind the word, I truly respect you & your willingness to discuss such a sensitive topic for most. btw you are an amazing photographer!

    _______
    Marzyy

    Like

  6. rebsdanger · January 16, 2015

    I totally commend you for writing about your experiences with bipolar disorder, that takes a lot of bravery. There’s so much shame surrounding mental health in our society, (I’m assuming you’re American), and so many people live silently with their pain. By being open about your experiences, you’re taking away some of that stigma and most likely inspiring others who may feel they’re alone with their disorder.
    And also: props to you for seeking treatment and help, I know that can be a difficult step. Keep rocking those New Years Resolutions, and remember to be kind to yourself! πŸ™‚

    Like

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