Being home for the holidays, my parents notice how much I eat. When I was on meds like Seroquel, I ate a lot. Currently, I hardly do. Comments in either direction tend to hurt my feelings for whatever reason.
I try to be healthy and eat even when I’m not hungry (if I only ate when I was hungry, there would be one ten-minute window of me stuffing my face with crab rangoon per day). I have gone from vegan to gluten free vegan to pescatarian all in efforts to maximize my health from what seems like minimal food on my part. I’ve learned that if I crave something, I need to go out and buy it. Usually my cravings are extremely healthy (90% of cravings are sushi or produce). The rest are calorie-dense and decadent (ice cream, gelato, cheese, egg drop soup).
Although I would rather not have eggs and dairy and fish in my diet, it is just too hard to maintain my weight without them. When I can only eat one thing per day at my worst, that thing better be as calorie- and nutrient-dense as possible. My miracles are sushi (very healthy, pat on the back) and crab rangoon from Chinese takeout places (*licks fingers* I’ve been a bad vegan).
I have good appetite weeks. I’ll go to the store and buy lots of produce to roast, eat raw, or blend into a smoothie. Then my meds change, and I am nauseous all of the time. Or I become hypomanic, and food is about as interesting to me as a user manual on a sleeper sofa. All I devour in hypomania: my literature, my lover, my data plan. In depression, I would rather sleep. And the $50-$70 of fresh groceries will rot. And my lover will say “Can I bring you Chipotle? Do you want some crab rangoon?”
I haven’t figured out if he does it for love of me or for love of tits and ass.
Just kidding, babe. 🙂
But it is a struggle. Especially when my mood stabilizer makes my appetite go away completely and my antipsychotic must be taken with a hearty meal 2x per day or it all comes back up.
I have quit seeing food as transference of vitality and now view it as a chore. How to fix this?